” It’ll never be enough. I… I… I will never be enough. I mean, I’m just not good enough. ”

This is the thought that circled her mind everyday: when she put on that dress, trying so hard to hide the excess skin on her waist, when she sat down to spend time with God, when she saw others making strides.

Softly weeping, she looked to God,

” Rewrite my heart with the acceptance in Your heart for me. You designed that my starting point is accepted in the Beloved and each day, You lead me into fullness concerning this.

You say I can be exactly who I am in process, embrace who I am right here. That this is the freedom You set me free into. Because right here, in the bosom of freedom is a set up of transformation. Only here can I become everything Jesus is in me.

You don’t compare me into communion with You, why have I being doing that to myself? What made me think that the remedy of change is in the striving, the trying to prove myself?

You are constantly sure of who You made me to be. God, truth is, I’m the one not sure. I’m the one who thinks that I need to prove that I am righteous and holy and everything You say I am. I am the one who thinks that maybe just maybe proving it would make it true.

This is why I have been caught up in this weary thought that I have so much to learn. And while that is true, what this has caused is a paralysis to embrace the beauty of process as Your beloved.

I have killed my joy, my peace and mostly my confidence before You. I have held myself back by being anxious that others will learn ahead of me. I have compared how I relate with You and by this, sucking out the delight of really knowing You.

I have been caught up in should-haves thinking that I need to be there instead of right here, right here as the accepted in the Beloved.

My heart is tired.

I want the delight that comes with knowing You, without the lenses of should-haves and comparison, without the need to prove myself to me or to You.

Don’t take me back to the beginning but show me who You want to be to me, right here. I give You all these weary and heavy laden that I’ve been busy carrying for so long only to be wounded along the way.

I don’t want to pray the way he does, or teach the way she does. I don’t want to dance the way she does or speak the way he does. You made me perfect and complete.

I want to worship, pray, fast, lead the way I do- the way You see me as, nothing missing and lacking. You don’t wish for me to be someone else. You made me wonderfully and fearfully. There’s nothing missing or lacking in my process with You.

I wasn’t created to try measure up because this means that I start from deficit, from lack. I was created complete in Christ.

You are the enough that fills my never enoughs.

You are the fullness that fills my lack.

You are the destiny that fills my should haves.

And though it seems difficult to let go, I let go of this lie- that I am just not good enough. So that I can live in and from Your forever acceptance of me.

I refuse to be who I am to me that You aren’t to me. “